Repository for Her Thoughts & Feelings

Steph 21
Industrial Engineer | UP Diliman

This blog serves as the repository for my unfiltered (and oftentimes, unwanted) thoughts. This is where you’ll get to know all of me, without any holds barred. Where you’ll see me barenaked with just the purest of my thoughts and emotions. Where no one whom I actually know of in real life will have access to.

P.S. Please refrain from judging the real me.

P.P.S. I tend to romanticize daily happenings.

I love you
And I wish that
I could tell you

Becuase even in the lull
It’s still you whom
I want to talk to
I want to be with

But I guess
You don’t feel the same

And it makes me sad
Really, really sad

One day
You’ll see my worth
Regardless of my despites

How I love
Not just you
But all of you
Even with your despites

One day
You’ll see me differently
And regret
The chance you did not take
And most especially,
Your mistreating me

I know one day
You will

And you will beg me for it.

But I won’t fold

Because you’ll only
Realize how much
You’ve lost
By just letting me pass

When I am already
In the arms of someone else

For the first time ever, I saw me not folding. Yes, not backing out, despite you smelling bad, constant farting, and being sick. But rather, I wanted to take care of you and relieve you of all of your pain. I wanted to envelope you in my arms and put you somewhere safe, where nothing could harm you. I wanted to be there for you longer.

I want to be there forever and be of service to you.

I wish I could be that though.

I want to keep keep talking
But I’m scared that
You might not be interested

Because one day
We share endless conversations
And have me hoping
For tomorrow to come
For more talks
Both shallow and deep
About anything and everything

And the next
Being so annoying to death
And not caring a bit
About my feelings

I guess you never really cared
So there’s no point in me
Moping around
For I know that
This won’t change anything

You never have any romantic feelings
(Just) For me

Fuck you and your stupid defense mechanisms

Is there an alternate universe wherein we would be together?

I don’t know
And I guess
Anything’s possible, right?

Is the alternate universe that you’re speaking of the one we’re living in right now?

Well, let me see
Have you ever really cared for me?
Ever wondered about my feelings?
Wanted to make me feel better especially when I’m at the bottom pit?
Had responsibility for relieving my pain?

My answer to that question is your answer to those questions. Yup, it’s a solid nope because you never really cared about me and my feelings. You’re always too absorbed with making yourself feel good. And keeping me around is contributing to that—like a person would ever do anything just for you. Oh, lucky you.

And by the way, you suck.
Fuck you, fucker.

Your sadness—
It makes me sad

But your sadness
Over her…
Makes me
The saddest

If only I could:
Take away your pain
Hug it out of you
And protect you
From everything
That makes your heart ache
I would

I really would

Even if that entails
Me feeling everything
Evil and sad

That’s how much I love you

Believe me
I really do

This feels a lot like love.