Repository for Her Thoughts & Feelings

Steph 21
Industrial Engineer | UP Diliman

This blog serves as the repository for my unfiltered (and oftentimes, unwanted) thoughts. This is where you’ll get to know all of me, without any holds barred. Where you’ll see me barenaked with just the purest of my thoughts and emotions. Where no one whom I actually know of in real life will have access to.

P.S. Please refrain from judging the real me.

P.P.S. I tend to romanticize daily happenings.
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No, I don’t want
To know about
How great your night
Went with her

Or how happy
You are
With where
You guys are going

It literally
Breaks my heart
Into pieces

This heavy feeling
I can’t seem to take

For when I started
Thinking that maybe
This is not purely platonic

You start sharing
With me
These things
That pull the trigger
In my waterways
That won’t stop now

It hurts me
Knowing that
This late
Through the night

You are awake
And not speaking with me
But rather
Smiling at your
Conversation with her

Afterall this time
I will never be
Your first choice

Invites me over
Cancels the invite
Upon realizing
That the nemesis
Is coming over

Invites me over
Talks to the other
Thru text/chat

Invites me over
Packs up
When the other calls

Afterall this time
I’m still expecting
That there is
A little something
More than the
And flirting

But I guess
My everafter with you
Is just a farfetched fantasy

So sad how people talk to you only when they need to share something with you. But when it’s you who needs a pair of ears, they suddenly become deaf and think that whatever you’re sharing is too shallow, senseless, or whatnot. And decide to become too absorbed in whatever it is that they have in their own minds.

I hate you and your selfishness.

P.S. You are not my friend.

Maybe, it’s not really an actual boyfriend that I need. I just need someone who will be always there, be it a lover or a friend—a bonus if it’s both wrapped into one. Someone who would listen to me and all my unfiltered ramblings and would spare me the judgment. Someone whom I could talk to about anything and everything that is running through my head and will not tell me that I’m so full of drama and bullshit. But someone who will just lend an ear. Someone who would care a lot not just on the grandest of things, but also mostly on the littlest of things. Someone who will ride along with the silliness and immaturity that I have but will also call out on me when necessary.

On top of all these, someone whom I could trust and who could let me be that same person to them.

Is that so demanding of me?


I’m sorry for being not able to appreciate you today. For not being able to see the goodness in the things that you have shared with me, that you somehow wanted me to be a part of you and experience the same feelings as well. For not being gladdened by your playfulness. For being not able to read between the line that I was somehow similar to your past lover. And other whatnots.

Maybe, all this angst and irritation root from the fact that you ignored me as we passed by each other and as I waved my hand for what was my most cheerful greeting. That was the best I could come up with given the predicament that I am currently in. And maybe, that harboring of negative feeling was reinforced when I saw you with her and when it seemed like you were (badly) enjoying her company. All smiles and that shit, even sitting next to her in a room. Adding to that your subtle declination to my invitation of where to dine. And topping everything off with your explicit declaration of the non-possibility of us being together.

I hate you today, seriously. And I’m sorry for that. Sorry for not seeing any silver lining in you today. Lastly, sorry for being decided on giving up on you, or rather us.

Maybe, tomorrow I’ll change my mind. I don’t know. Or maybe, this is the universe talking some sense into me that I should stop this nonsensical silliness for there is really nothing to hope for.

You may not be aware of this gaping hole in my heart. This ache that only gets soothed by thinking of our little moments and of our great future together.

I just wish that we be together sooner so that I won’t miss you this much every single day. I can’t wait for the day when I can share anything and everything with you at any given time. I want for that day to come when you would surprise me with back hugs or vice versa. For the moment when I’d be able to take all your troubles away with just a smile, a kiss, a hug, or just merely my presence.

I love you so much and you love me, too. And you don’t even know yet.

You have no idea how hard this is for me. I’m currently in the position that I want a someone in my life. Someone whom I can confide in my everything and just anything. Someone who will always be there and will be on my team, or will occasionally call out on me when I’m being unreasonable. Someone who will hold me just because. Someone who is my best friend andy lover.

And you see, some people try to get into the picture and try resembling that someone but really I can’t let it happen. Not again because I know why it didn’t work out before and why it would never work out at all.

I want to fall into the pit of his love, affection, and attention but I just can’t because I know that I’ll just be fooling ourselves.

F this is hard.

So grateful that
I’m able to get now
The reason behind
The understanding
And the acceptance
Of the unreasonable

I am now more equipped
Than I ever was
And thinking that I’m
Ready to face the battle





French: literally “exquisite pain”; the heart-wrenching pain of wanting someone you can never have.

[Christian Birmingham]

hmmm. my old blog.