Repository for Her Thoughts & Feelings

Steph 21
Industrial Engineer | UP Diliman

This blog serves as the repository for my unfiltered (and oftentimes, unwanted) thoughts. This is where you’ll get to know all of me, without any holds barred. Where you’ll see me barenaked with just the purest of my thoughts and emotions. Where no one whom I actually know of in real life will have access to.

P.S. Please refrain from judging the real me.

P.P.S. I tend to romanticize daily happenings.

I want to keep keep talking
But I’m scared that
You might not be interested

Because one day
We share endless conversations
And have me hoping
For tomorrow to come
For more talks
Both shallow and deep
About anything and everything

And the next
Being so annoying to death
And not caring a bit
About my feelings

I guess you never really cared
So there’s no point in me
Moping around
For I know that
This won’t change anything

You never have any romantic feelings
(Just) For me

Fuck you and your stupid defense mechanisms

Is there an alternate universe wherein we would be together?

I don’t know
And I guess
Anything’s possible, right?

Is the alternate universe that you’re speaking of the one we’re living in right now?

Well, let me see
Have you ever really cared for me?
Ever wondered about my feelings?
Wanted to make me feel better especially when I’m at the bottom pit?
Had responsibility for relieving my pain?

My answer to that question is your answer to those questions. Yup, it’s a solid nope because you never really cared about me and my feelings. You’re always too absorbed with making yourself feel good. And keeping me around is contributing to that—like a person would ever do anything just for you. Oh, lucky you.

And by the way, you suck.
Fuck you, fucker.

Your sadness—
It makes me sad

But your sadness
Over her…
Makes me
The saddest

If only I could:
Take away your pain
Hug it out of you
And protect you
From everything
That makes your heart ache
I would

I really would

Even if that entails
Me feeling everything
Evil and sad

That’s how much I love you

Believe me
I really do

This feels a lot like love.

My thoughts for today
Had you and I
In them, mostly

How you wrapped me
In your big arms
When I arrived
Just because you haven’t
Washed up yet
From PE class

How you let me smell
Your feet
Just to check
If they were really stinky

How you kept on
Wiping your fingers
With popcorn butter residue
On my pants

How you badly hit me
On my thigh
And tried to soothe it afterwards

How you pulled me out of
The couch
As I tried to steal your spot

How you warned me
About your probable boner
When we had body contact

How you forced me
To go inside the shower
And shut the shower curtain
As you peed
And asked me to listen to it

How you kept telling spoilers
Of my current favorite show
As I try to stop you
By covering your mouth
With my hands

How I crawled into you
And welcomed me
With a side hug
When we were Facetime-ing
With a friend

How I rested my pillow
And then my head
On your lap
And in turn
Wrapping your arm
Around me

How we had shared contact
With our hands

And a lot more
That happened that night

I miss you dearly, babe
I love you.

I wonder what could have been if ever I said yes to your questions when you put me on the spot. Yes, I love you. Yes, there is an alternate universe wherein we could be together forever. Yes, the alternate universe I’m speaking of is the one we’re currently in.

A lot of questions have been rummaging through my mind—
Will she be totally out of the picture?
Will we still be friends?
Or probably something more?

Questions that I have been wanting answers to but couldn’t muster the courage to know the answer to. Because I want us to progress and never regress. With you, I always want to be more.

Because I love you and I long to be with you.

So will you please man up already and tell me that I’m the only one. And that you would want to share a forever with me. A forever wherein we and our children will be happy.


Because it was so stupid of me
To let my emotions and fantasies
Get the better of me
Thinking that maybe
You’ve finally got a thing for me

Acting so nice
Acting like you care
Not bullying me since ever
And calling me cute pet names
Saying the three letter word

But little did I know
That all these
Were just consolation prizes
For me liking you

And for me to
Not stop doing favors for you

I hate you
More than you would ever know

I guess all this is my fault
Being so much reliant on you
And putting meaning in everything

So I guess
It’s also my responsibility
To have all the romantic feelings
Be all swept under the rug
And wishing that one day
They all disappear into nothingness